Insomnia
by SouthParkFan99
Summary: Cartman can't sleep, so he calls the only person he knows will help. [Rated T for swearing]


_A/N: Hi all! I wrote this little one-shot just to get some blood pumping in the ol' noodle. This is my first ever completed one-shot. It's not in the romance genre but I hinted a little at some Kyman. Hope you all enjoy!_

**Insomnia**

Cartman pulled the warm comforter over his chin, despite the fact that he was sweating like a pig. The bedroom seemed much more silent than usual, but every sound that did occur was noticeably magnified to him; this included the thumping of his heart.

The chubby brunette's eyes made way across the room to his door. He swallowed a lump in his throat and exhaled shakily. Since when was the door this far away? Right next to it was the light-switch. He couldn't see it, but he could make out a dim rectangle. The longer Cartman stared at it, the farther his room seemed to stretch.

The rational section of his mind, which very rarely played part in Eric's life, told him there was no clown waiting to kill him when he moved. This wasn't a movie, dammit! This was real life. Though, what happened in that movie he watched with the guys earlier _could_ happen in real life. What's to stop a clown from going on a killing spree?

Cartman felt his breath hitch and his throat tighten. He was never particularly afraid of clowns, but something about a killer in heavy makeup made them seem so much more sinister; it made them less human.

_"__God, Cartman, you are _such_ a little pussy," _his conscience told him, snickering.

"Shut up," he whispered back.

_"__You can't even go across the room to turn on the light? Pfff! How pathetic is that?"_

"I said shut the fuck up!" he hissed, glancing around the bedroom to make sure no one had heard him.

_"__Prove you're not a pussy then. Get up and turn on the light."_

Eric let out a long sigh and planned out the maneuver in his head. He silently counted to three, then kicked his comforter to the foot of the bed. Cartman pushed himself up with his hands and swung his thick legs over the side of the bed, then landed on the carpet. Without a moment's hesitation, he ran in the direction of the light-switch. Everything seemed a lot darker now, and as a result, he ran right into the doorknob. He gasped then grabbed his aching belly.

"Fuck…" he whispered and brought his hand up to fiddle for the switch. He felt the smooth switch plate, but not the damn switch. His heart beat faster until… Finally! His fingers landed on the switch. Eric immediately flipped the lights on and turned to face his bedroom.

The twelve year-old let out another long sigh, but this one was out of relief. Eric's bedroom immediately shrunk back to its normal size. It looked a lot less like a death trap, but like a bedroom. He turned back around and reached for his doorknob, but then stopped. His mom left after preparing dinner earlier that night. She said she would be home sometime in the morning, but she usually wasn't home until sometime before Eric came home from school.

Cartman rubbed his eyes and groaned, turning back around; he had to be up for school in a few hours. Normally, he would have made himself a glass of warm milk, but that was obviously not an option at this point. His bedroom was the only safe zone.

He ambled over to his bed tiredly and pulled grabbed his cellphone on his wooden nightstand, dialing a number he knew by heart.

"Do you have any idea what time it is?" a voice on the other line demanded.

"You sound like your mom," he scoffed

"This better be important, Cartman, or I swear to God—"

"It is. Calm your tits, Jew." He heard a sigh on the other end and knew Kyle was too tired to argue.

"What is it? It's like three in the morning, dude. We have school tomorrow!"

Damn… Cartman didn't really think through what he would tell Kyle. He just wanted to hear his voice, as gay as that sounded.

"Um… What are the vocab words in biology that we have to define?"

Kyle grumbled a little, and it sounded like he was stretching. "You seriously need me to read them off?"

"Yes, Kahl."

"Give me a second…" the Jew muttered irritably.

Eric smirked. He'd already done the homework in class, but whatever it took to keep Kyle with him was worth it. His anxiety was already fading. On the other line there were faint shuffling noises and muttered curse words.

"Do you have something to write them down on? Because I'm not going to repeat them!" Kyle warned.

"Yeah, yeah," he lied.

"Cartman, I'm serious!"

"I said yeah, you stupid Jew!" he shouted angrily, but he was far from being angry. The fact that this dumb Jew was willing to give Cartman homework problems at three in the morning made his heart flutter just a little.

"Homozygous," Kyle announced loudly, causing Cartman to giggle. "You're so immature, dude…"

The brunette was about to speak when he heard the floor in the hallway creak. "Shit…" he squeaked.

"You there?" Kyle asked impatiently. The creaking became louder and closer.

Eric set the phone on the bed and slowly stood up, picking up a wooden baseball bat that had been leaning against the closet. As he began to slowly and silently creep toward the door, a loud and continuous scratching noise came from the other side. Cartman shrieked loudly and stumbled backwards. The bed was there to save his fall, but he ended up sitting on the edge of his phone. Ouch.

"Cartman?! What's going on?!" Kyle demanded when Cartman shakily put the phone to his ear. He was surprised Kyle hadn't hung up.

"There's someone in my house…" he whispered, voice trembling.

"What do you mean? Like a burglar?"

"A killer…"

Kyle groaned loudly. "Dude, shut up! You're not scaring me!"

"I'm not—"

On the other side of the door, there was a loud meow.

Cartman's eyebrows furrowed. "…Mr. Kitty?"

She meowed again and tried to stick her paw under the door gap, only getting a small part of it to appear. The cat yanked her paw back out and began to scratch at the door again. Cartman walked to the door and let the cat inside. She happily trotted to the bed and jumped onto it.

"Bad kitty…" he mumbled, catching his breath. Kyle was still rambling on the other end of the phone. Cartman kicked the door closed again and locked it. He walked back to the bed, put his cellphone to his ear, and flopped onto the bed.

"I wanna sleep, fatass!"

"I'm here," he said calmly. "Chill."

"What the hell happened?"

"It was my cat."

Kyle began to howl with laughter. "Of course it was!"

"It's not funny, asshole!

"Yes it is!" Kyle took a moment to calm down. "Okay, do you want the rest of the vocab?"

Cartman exhaled deeply into the phone. "No."

"No? Isn't that why you called me?"

"No," he said again.

"Then why the fuck did you call me?!" he shouted.

"Uh…" Eric wasn't sure if he'd be able to explain.

"Whatever. Goodnight."

"Wait, don't!" he cried.

"Well what the hell do you want then?"

"I can't fucking sleep, okay?"  
>"What am I supposed to do about it?" Kyle whined, likely tired and cranky beyond belief.<p>

"Well, no one's home, and…" he trailed off.

"You feel lonely?"

"W-What?" Cartman scoffed. "Hell no! I just… I just wanted to talk to someone."

"Why can't you sleep?"

"I just have insomnia, ya know?" There was a long pause, followed by a chuckle on the other line. "Dude, what?" asked Cartman.

"Are you still freaking out about that clown movie?"

Shit… He was caught redhanded. Thinking fast, he forced himself to sputter. "Oh! Heh… That movie? I forgot all about it until you brought it up!"

"Cartman, I'm not an idiot. You were shaking so much during the movie; Stan felt it from the other side of the couch!"

"Did not!"

"We both know that's why, Cartman, so you might as well admit to it."

Eric took a deep breath and exhaled. "It may have _slightly_ interfered with my regular sleep patterns."

"Wow… I didn't think you'd admit you were such a pussy."

"I'M NOT A PUSSY, YOU FUCKING JEW!"

"Okay, okay!" Kyle laughed. "Calm your fat ass. I'll try and help."

"How can you help?"

"You tell me. You're the one who called me for it."

"I dunno. I guess give me a lecture on how I'm thinking irrationally and how the movie is way too farfetched from reality."

"Do you just want me to come over?"

The chubby boy's heart skipped a beat. "What?"

"Should I come over for a little bit?"

"You'd come over? At three something A.M.? On a school night?"

"Do you want me to change my mind?" the Jew warned.

"No!" Cartman chanted a little more frantically than he would have liked to. "Come over!"

"Are you sure? That means you're going to have to open the front door for me."

"I… I can do that," he said hesitantly.

"Cool. See you soon, fatass." The line clicked.


End file.
